


Great Expectations

by the_vampire_turtle



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Depression, Drinking, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Platonic Analogical - Freeform, Reference to the other sides, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_vampire_turtle/pseuds/the_vampire_turtle
Summary: A songfic based on The Mystic by Adam Jensen.Logan was perfect. He's been perfect for all nineteen and a half years of his life, but college is stressful, and he finally breaks.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Great Expectations

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, underage drinking, poor mental health, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, depression, cursing.

_Got a head full of spiders_

_And a heart that isn't here_

There was a dull static in his head. The kind of static that's just loud enough to be disruptive; ensuring that one could not get any work done whatsoever. That wasn't a problem for Logan though, right? The emotionless robot who was incapable of being distracted, because you could only be distracted if you cared about something else, and Logan didn't care about anything. Right? That's what they told him at least. They told him that he couldn't care, because he was just some cold, unfeeling nerd who would make it far in the world by ignoring useless emotions and drama. 

_In a room full of liars_

_All my demons reappear_

They lied. He felt. God, he felt _so much._ But they didn't want him to. His teachers, peers, the people he passes on his way to class who he doesn't even know the name of. They all wanted him to be a strong, stone-faced leader, so that they could continue to laugh and love and mess around without consequence. So they told him that if he shoved down his feelings he would be more successful. His father told him to learn from his sister's mistakes. Told him not to get caught up in love or friendship. But she was happy, wasn't she? She was happily married and had lots of friends. Logan just wanted to be like her. Instead here he is; struggling to breath on the floor of his dorm as he desperately clutches the half empty bottle in his hand. 

_Broken cigarettes and bullet holes_

_One more to the chest and I'm alone_

He can still feel the ghost of smoke blowing over his face. Can still smell the beer scented breath, and hear the screaming. But that was long ago, before Logan had even started middle school. His mother and sister had saved him. They had come and taken custody of him, as they should have in the first place. Logan supposes his mother thought he wouldn't get abused to the degree his sister might have, and Logan agrees. He's never once wished that his sister had been in his place, but he can't help the occasional waves of anger that roll through him when he thinks of how they left him to his father's wishes. He knows it could have been worse. Much worse. He knows he's just overreacting because his father never hit him. He only yelled, and only when he thought he saw Logan experience emotions. But its all over. His mother and sister saved him, yet they too seemed under the impression that he was simply incapable of feelings. 

_Nothing gets me any higher_

_And nothing ever will_

Logan can see the thin red lines drawn at the base of his skin. There are only three, barely bleeding, barely visible at all, but he can see them. More importantly though, he can _feel_ them. They burn, but they also tingle, ever so slightly, and Logan relishes in the feeling, because it proves that he does in fact feel. After a moment though, the feeling of satisfaction gives way to a fire of shame and disappointment. He tried, he tried to hard to stop, and he had for a while. But now here he is right back where he started. 

_Tried to stay sober_

_Tried to stay clean_

_Wake me when it's over_

_Like a bad dream_

The scent of cheap alcohol rolls over him, and Logan has to fight the urge to vomit. The voices in his head push their way past the overwhelming static. _They're going to hate you. You never do anything right. They had to come and save you because you couldn't handle a few corrections from your father. They don't want to have to save you from yourself._ The bottle is tipped back once more, depositing more shame and self hatred with every gulp, and in a few moments the bottle is empty. Logan waits a moment, silently hoping, _praying,_ that its enough to make him pass out. He'd rather face the consequences in the morning than continue down his spiraling thoughts right now. 

When the world only tilts a little, but his vision stays clear, Logan huffs and pulls himself to his feet, swaying slightly. He glances at the clock, its almost 9:00, meaning the library will be closing soon. How will his roommate react when he returns to the dorm. Virgil has been stressed out enough with schoolwork as it is. He doesn't need to worry over Logan's mental health too. With that thought, Logan shrugs on a jacket and heads up to the rooftop. He takes the stairs slowly, all the way to the top from the third level. He's not sure how long the climb took, but it must have been at least ten minutes, because his phone buzzes in his pocket, and when he checks the caller ID he sees its Virgil. He waits for the call to finish ringing, then puts his phone on do not disturb. Knowing Virgil, he'll continue to frantically call until Logan answers or he finds him. Logan knows that that's only because Virgil wouldn't want to deal with the guilt if anything happened to Logan. 

_Mama doesn't call_

_Sister never writes_

_Bet you they would laugh_

_If I called to say goodbye_

He can feel some deep longing in his chest as he pushes open the door at the top and steps out into the cool October air. He knows that some part of him wishes it hadn't been Virgil calling, but his mother. He feels like he hasn't heard from her in months. He can't blame her, nor his sister whom he hasn't heard from in even longer. After all, he's almost twenty. He doesn't need to be checked up on, like some little kid. He can take care of himself. His mother and sister know that he can care for himself. _Yeah right._ The voice in his head states. _Because drinking and cutting and walking around on the roof of your dorm at night is the pinnacle of self care._ Logan shakes his head to get rid of the thoughts, making his way over to the edge of the rooftop. The cool air fills his lungs and he coughs. The burning sensation returns to his throat, matching the one on his wrist.

_No ones gonna worry_

_Notice when I'm gone_

Looking down, Logan can just make out the patch of grass surrounding the building below. He doesn't remember when he did the research, but Logan can clearly recall that the dorm has eight floors, each roughly ten feet in height, making the building roughly eighty feet tall. More than enough to kill some one who attempted to jump. He scans the walkway past the building. With the coffee shops and libraries closed, most everyone has already made their way back to their dorms for the night. Nobody would find his body until morning. He'd just have to hope it wasn't Virgil; he'd never wish that on his already high strung friend. Placing his hands on the concrete barrier surrounding the perimeter of the roof, Logan peers further over the edge, taking in the dark patch of grass below him. _Would it hurt?_ He wonders. _Would the soil soften the fall. Is there any chance I'll survive and make matters worse?_ Completely lost in thought, he fails to notice the banging open of the door to the rooftop, that slamming of it shutting behind a new occupant on the roof. He doesn't hear the soft call of his name, or the hurried footsteps getting closer to him. 

_No they won't know I'm missin'_

_'Till they pull me out the mystic_

A hoodie clad figure slams into Logan from the side, arms wrapping tightly around him and pulling him away from the edge of the building. He blinks in surprise, looking back at the edge of the roof with an almost longing stare. The figure in front of him pulls away and grips his shoulders, fixing him with a harsh stare. It takes Logan far too long to recognize the figure in front of him as Virgil. He squints slightly, taking in the image of his friend. Virgil's eyes are glassy and wide with fear; his mouth is open slightly and his chest is heaving in irregular patterns. His grip on Logan's shoulders is tight enough to bruise. Logan tries to shrug off the grip, wincing when it only tightens. Seeing this, Virgil lets go, jolting back as if he were shocked, tears now freely falling down his face. There is a guilty look in his eyes, and his breathing picks up. Swallowing thickly, Logan finally finds his voice.

"V-virgil. What are you doing her-"

"What the hell Logan?!" Virgil's breathing gets more erratic, tears streaming down his face even faster. Logan looks down to see that his hands are trembling, and he's clenching and unclenching them. Stepping forward, he places his hand on Virgil's shaking ones, trying to calm him down. When Logan looks up to meet Virgil's eyes he is met with a scared expression that quickly turns to anger as Virgil takes in red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes. "Seriously Logan?! You're fucking drunk too! God, what are you doing Logan? You're better than this!"

Ouch. That one stung. He _was_ better than this. Virgil had to come and drag him off of the edge of the roof because he had started slacking. He wasn't supposed to run away from his problems, he had to take responsibility. Stepping back he took a deep breath before meeting Virgil's eyes.

"You're right."

"What?"

"You're right. I am better than this. I...I don't know what got into me. Apologies. I will return to our dorm now, and I'll be quiet as I complete my homework so that you may retire in peace." Logan starts to make his way toward the door to the stairwell, but stops as he sees the look on Virgil's face. For some reason his friend looks even angrier.

"What. The. Fuck. Logan. Why would you apologize?! Why are you acting like you just cheated on a test or some other dumb shit? You almost KILLED yourself Logan! A-and now you're apologizing for it? You tried to leave me. You tried to leave Patton and Janus and Roman and Remus and your family and every one else who cares about you and you're just going to rub it off like some silly little mistake? Do you have any idea how scared I was? When you weren't in the dorm and you wouldn't answer your phone I thought you'd...I thought you had...and then you were-"

"Virgil." Logan had come to his senses somewhat. The illogical part of his brain wanted to run off the edge of the roof right now because Virgil was _mad at him._ Because he had _messed up._ But some other part of his brain, the part that had known Virgil for six years was reminding him that Virgil got angry when he was _scared._ It was telling him that Logan had _scared_ Virgil. He could now clearly see for himself Virgil's inconsistent breaths, his heaving chest, his trembling hands and shaking legs, and suddenly Logan arms were wrapping around Virgil and holding on like his life depended on it. He could feel Virgil's heart wrenching sobs against him, and realized vaguely that he too had started crying. The two simply stood there, crying into each others' arms. 

Later, when they had cried all the tears they had, the boys would realize that they had been out on the roof for hours. They would go back to their dorm and crash on their respective beds. In the morning they would wake up and talk about what had happened, and discuss ways Logan could get help, but until then they would stay put, just as they were, free of the world's expectations. 

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone interested, here is a link to the song that inspired this fic:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRUOGd_9orc 
> 
> Please remember that you can get help.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 800-273-8255


End file.
